Some Things Never Change, Like Back To School Shopping

  • Editor's Choice
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  • AUG 14, 2020

A tradition as old as time itself. Every since the dawn of mankind, students, still caught in the delirum of summer, have been dragged around a supplies spot, armed to handle the harsh lessons ahead. In the early days, the young lads were given a spear and taught to hunt down their lunch before they could go to recess. Somewhere along the way, we dropped the sharpened spears and instead sharpened our pencils to tackle Pythagoras' therom.

As the ages evolved, so too have our back-to-school shopping lists. Even now, it may seem barbaric to think you would have to sharpen your pencils , what with all the mechanical pencils and fancy kids with their portable computers. And then there are those who are brazen enough to forgo the forgiving erasability of the aformentioned, and use a pen instead. Now, it's courageous and all to kill an antelope to feed your family, but it takes a different level of confidence to attempt a math problem with a pen. But that's getting off topic.

And so, we find ourselves at another pivotal turning-point in the crucial days before school. With what 2020 has offered us so far, it's not an exageration to say things have changed. With it, so to have our school essentials. Fortunately, we've thought ahead, and thus have prepared for you, a school shopping list carefully designed to tackle what very well may be the most interesting school year of the past century.

Of course, it's not just our back-to-school checklists that have been forever changed, but also how we go about conducting our resupplying. Like the first men before us, venturing into the wild outdoors could prove to be a perilous journey. We have no idea what could be waiting for us on all those contacted surfaces. Rather than risking you life to buy a notebook that'll never actually be used, sign up for a Prime Student 6-month free trial and get all your shopping done online. It's free, it's fast, and most importantly, it's a heck of a lot easier than getting your hind off the couch to go outside.

Now, what do we need for the 2020 school year?

  1. So you're one of the fancy kids with the portable computers? Don't just be any other fancy kid and set yourself apart with a laptop that speaks to who you really are. That would be a lazy, procrastinating, pull-through-at-the-last-second student who know's it doesn't matter how long of a deadline you have for the assignment, you're only going to start two days before it's due. And even that's being hopeful.

  2. Nothing really defines the modern student as well as the mobile device. Be it an iPod, smart phone, or what ever else flashing screen they can manage to fit in the palm of their hands, the mobile device has become the quintessential accessory for the little learners of today. One thing that's stayed consistent over the years, however, is that unescapable fact that students are unsanitary. It's just the way of life. And so, you can easily put two and two together. Unclean hands and constant touching of a passed around object. You're probably already putting in an express order for every person in your house.

  3. It's highly likely, if not certain, that your learning building will require masks or some kind of face-covering while being inside or walking the halls. The benefit of ambiguity here is that face-covering can mean anything from a mask, to a very comfy scraf that just so happens to be covered in potentially life-saving math clues. Listen, we aren't telling you to cheat on wearing a mask, because well, that's just irresponsible. Cheating on a test, on the other hand, that's totally up to you.

  4. The downside about face masks is that you people might not realize who you are. Sure, it's necessary right now and we can't do anything about it, but one's identity is sacred, especially while in school. What's the solution, you ask? Wear who you are, proud and mighty. Strut those halls adorning the most you-clothing there is out there. If anime's not your style then check out their endless other crates that will keep you looking fresh all-year-round. Star Wars, Marvel, Harry Potter, you name it. Find your style and own it.

  5. Water fountains are just a big no-no. Just, no. Don't even think about it. If you really hate the idea of having to carry a water bottle around, than at least meet half-way here and consider taking a collapsible water bottle, instead. It'll only be bulky while it's full, but as soon as you've drained it dry, it rolls right up and practically disappears into your bag. And no, it's not the same as taking a plastic bottle that you can just throw away. What is this, 2005? We're trying to save the planet here people.

  6. Don't worry you study-from-homers, we haven't forgotten about you. You just require a lot less supplies so it took some time for us to get to you, but here we are. Most of your work will probably be done on a computer anyways, so all you'll really need is a solid Wi-Fi connection and you're golden. If your home Wi-Fi is about as consitent as Dwight Howards free-throws (i.e. not very good), maybe consider investing in a Wi-Fi booster than helps extend your coverage to the farthest crannies of your home.

  7. If scarfs aren't really your style but you still want to be a little unique, than this may not be what you need, because it's VERY unique. This LED face-mask will definitely catch eyes when you burst through the front doors. We doubt it'll be permitted by the school for long, but think about it this way. Haven't you always wanted a school rule be made because of you? Be legendary, kid.

  8. You say basic, we say, so what. There's a pandemic people, sometimes, you just got to do what you got to do.

  9. Fine, the hazmat suit might be a little lame, we admit. We were just trying to look out for your well-being but we totally looked over the fact that we completely missed your physical well-being, as well. How careless of us. Not to worry, we have just the thing. These inflatable zorbs are more than just great fun on the soccer field but they're great for keeping a safe distance from all the other dirty little miscreants running through the halls. Plus, if you were to fall down the stairs, you'd be perfectly fine, minus a few shaken braincells.

  10. Sure, it's a little old school, but does it really matter? If the teacher asks, you could easily play it off as a family heirloom. And even when she catches you constantly looking down at your watch during the test, she'll just think you're super unprepared, which you are, but that's ok. After all, you've got a whole bunch of little math hints to help you through it all.

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