- Editor's Choice
- MAY 6, 2020
An ode to mothers everywhere:
Oh mumzy, how we love you so. Despite all the bothers, and stepping on your toes, you still feed us and comfort away our woes. How ever do you do it, the answer I'd never known, till I turned of age, and through the wine glass I was shown.
Indeed, it has been one of mankind’s greatest mysteries. How on Earth do these mothers put up with the incessant crying and complaining that is children? How do they remain so loving and (relatively) calm in the face of such an unrelenting menace? The answer, as always, is wine.
No, that was not pomegranate juice your mother was guzzling down every night to subdue her blood pressure which you raised earlier or to increase her fertility because Lord knows she's had enough. It was wine, the beautifully bitter grape juice that seems to numb everyone’s problems.
In honor of Mother's Day and their endless plight to somehow raise a decent human being, we've found nine wine-inspired gifts to give your mom what she really wants in life. She thought it was kids, but having kids made her realize it was actually wine.
Offspring typically stay with their parents until they are about 18 years old, at which time they fly the coop and hope to never permenantly return. At least, that might have been the case when your mother was a kid, but my how times of changed. If you're moving out by 25, you've made it. That translates into slightly dreary news for your mother who now has less free time and needs a lot more wine.
If they're going to be drinking that much wine, it's worthwhile to have some quality instruments to get the most out of every bottle. From effortlessly popping corks off to keep the vino nicely chilled, this rechargeable set was made to make your mother's wine experience top notch.
No glass of wine is complete without a relaxing leisure activity, like a nice long bath without anyone asking where the spare batteries for the remote are. A seemless glass holder elegantly secures the glass of rose comfortably over the bath, allowing for a thoughtless hour of pure bliss.
Being a mom is an all-hands-on-deck job. And by all hands, we mean all of your mother's hands because we both know you're only barely pulling your weight at home, despite how much you argue otherwise. Without even a finger to spare for herself, how could she possibly balance her duties as a mother with her absolute need for fermented grapes. That is where the wine glass necklace comes in. Accessories can be functional, afterall.
We wouldn't be surprised if your mother ever had regrets about not becoming a crazy cat lady instead. Well, it's too late now, so might as well give her foregone dreams a companion, with this cute little wine afficiando. Now, every time she goes to get her wine, she'll be reminded of the feline family she could have had instead of the over-grown debt traps she raised.
Your mother does enough already, she shouldn't have to wrestle a stubborn cork for some drops of relief after a long day. Pop those suckers clear off with the power of some good old nitrous oxide. It's so easy, you'll want to pop all the corks for fun, but don't do that. Wine is not a toy, it's all your mother has left.
Nothing is more comforting than the supporting words of your family. Show your mom you don't think she has a wine problem and that no, it truly doesn't count as drinking alone if the dog is also home. Sure, writing your own heartfelt letter would be nice, but when wiser words have already been written, why even bother wasting the time?
Listen, I understand it's a little weird getting your mom condoms for Mother's Day. Okay, it's more than a little weird on any day but that's because you've totally misunderstood what this little package actually is. That's right, my fellow misguided friend, these aren't your regular rubbers.
Specifically designed to preserve unfinished bottles, these condoms are made for exactly what they're named: wine. Just slide the totally unfamiliar (depends who's asking) roll of plastic over the mouth of the bottles and voila, a sealed bottle without an uncomprimising cork.
In essence, this is all you'll ever really need. At the end of the day, if you aren't a wine connoisseur, you're only drinking for one reason and that is to get a buzz (let's keep this civil). Forget all the fancy gadgets and preservation methods. Tear that cork out, chuck it in the bin, jam your wine glass straight into the neck of the bottle and cheers!
If you've come to the sudden realisation that your mom probably drinks enough wine without the help of your extensively thought-out gifts, then maybe you want to take this years gift in a slightly different route. Sticking with the theme of wine but removing the actual juice of it (literally and figuratively), you could always get her an always-useful umbrella that comes encased in a replica wine bottle. Sure, she might look like an alcoholic wherever she goes but then people might just end up avoiding her. In the end, you've somehow gotten her the peace and quiet she's always wanted.